RAMBLES ABOUT SAYING NO.

“By saying no to some things you are saying yes to others… And by saying yes to some things, you are saying no to others.” house4

This is a concept I am only slowly starting to grapple with now! Honestly it’s something I just kind of suck at/am not a natural at! I have recently gone through a hugeeee life transformation in every way… In my marriage, my work, church involvement, and friendships. It’s funny how you can have a great life but one day wake up and realize that you kinda just hopped in the river and let it carry you away…but you didn’t necessarily want to be there… Does that make sense? One day you realize you’ve built a life that you don’t want anymore…

Well… To break things down as simply as possible, that’s the place I got to last month. I realized that in all of those areas I mentioned above, I had kind of just been going a direction I thought I had to go… I was kind of floating. Basically, through a series of events, I all of the sudden realized that I have control of the decisions I make and I don’t HAVE to do things because they make other people happy… I can do it because it makes ME happy….I can express myself in a serious manner if something DOESNT make me happy. And sometimes that’s even scarier… Because if you admit you’re unhappy then that kind of goes hand in hand with admitting/knowing that you’re about to embark on a path to change that thing or things that are making you unhappy. That’s scary! It’s scary to admit to yourself that there is something in your marriage, work, friendships or whatever that you’re not happy with and that you want to change it. It’s scary because it usually involves you being involved….And taking action and inserting yourself into uncomfortable situations…. Into uncomfortable conversations. It’s often easier to try and trick yourself into thinking that you’re being “emotional” or “a drama queen”… Or tell yourself that you’re “so blessed and lucky…and other people would kill for your life….”… All of which MAY be true but 1- that doesn’t mean it’s not worth evaluating and it doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid! And 2- just because you may be living someone else’s version of “the perfect life”, doesn’t mean your living the perfect life for YOU.

Now this is a slippery-ish slope because I am a true believer of the fact that we can sometimes talk ourselves into things…& that it is important to focus on your blessings and be grateful! (AND the fact that I don’t think we will ever be FULLY satisfied on this earth)  BUT, if you’re anything like me, I can talk myself straight out of my emotions.. I will invalidate myself because of a flawed view I have of myself. In my head I am always the drama queen… Always too much… But in the words of my therapist that I’m now thinking over a lot…”what if that’s just not true?”…

I have spent so long ignoring my emotions and not taking them seriously. Not taking them as signs of which way to go and what decisions to make… I brush them off and assume I’m feeling something just because I’m a crazy mess… Does any of this make sense??? Lol  yes, emotions can be fleeting… But I’m realizing that if something keeps popping up, it is important to evaluate what I’m feeling!

Anyways, I have gone through a HUGE shift this last month or two… I cried more tears this month than I have in the last few years..& it felt amazing. It felt soft… And like a beautiful release. And it led me closer to the truth of what I want NOW for my life……And what things and stories I want to put down and leave behind. And I am so grateful for that because it has caused shifts in my life that are making me feel so excited about the next few years of my life! Not sad and overwhelmed, which to be honest is the place I had gotten to…

I have always seen the world through a set of “Rose colored glasses”… Except my glasses have always made me see extreme beauty in every day circumstances…& somewhere over the last year or two I’ve stopped seeing beauty EVERYWHERE the way I used to…& it made me so sad! It was literally like someone stole them off my face…& those glasses were a huge part of my identity…& I think that part of the reason I lost them is because I lost who I was in the act of not expressing my heart. Really it was in not EXPRESSING my sadness and making a change in those areas that made me sad… Just rolling over, accepting it, not trusting my gut and being complacent.

Now, my beautiful glasses are starting to come back… It’s going to be a journey and I know the ways I express myself through art will change throughout my life.. But in general, I think that my ability to see beauty in every day life will continue to be my litmus test of my mental state no matter what kind of “art” I’m creating.

So ya… before I go I wanted to let you know that I will be uploading blog posts like this once a week on Saturdays:) I miss writing,.. But I don’t want to write daily. Hahahah clearly I write long thoughts sooooo ya… Once a week is enough for me…and hopefully I can even do that… LOL

Ok guys, that’s it. Leave me a comment and let me know if you’ve struggled with any of this…? And what you’ve done! I also highly recommend he book “Present over Perfect” that I mentioned yesterday in my September Favorites video…AKA Crap I’m Loving… It’s reallyyyyy helped me on this journey. Shauna Niequest in general has helped me…Just throwing that out there.

I love you guys 💕

PS- I hope you enjoy these random pics I took when I was filming My House Tour=)

house2house3 house1   house7house8house-10house6house5    house9

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18 Comments

  1. Nikki
    October 1, 2016 / 12:26 pm

    Testingggggg;)

    • Brianna
      October 1, 2016 / 1:32 pm

      I love how someone can truly meet your needs just by sharing thoughts. Thank you so much for this!!💗

    • Rachel
      October 1, 2016 / 9:46 pm

      I love this post so much! I am praying for you at this time in your life, and know that God will guide you in the direction your heart desires. I can definitely relate to some of these things. You are so loved Nikki!❤

  2. Kiona
    October 1, 2016 / 12:48 pm

    ❤️

  3. Rebecca
    October 1, 2016 / 1:45 pm

    Nikki I loved this! Honestly I have been going through the same thing. My life is SO GOOD but there’s still things I’ve realized aren’t really what I want to do and I want to make changes, but that’s scary! I have to make big lists and talk to my husband about everything and just do things one little thing at a time. It’s hard. Haha I can tell that you always look on the bright side and I love it. Keep it up!

  4. Julia
    October 1, 2016 / 1:45 pm

    Loved this blog post nikki! I think this is a topic that most of us can relate to. I have one question, will you still be vlogging now that you upload 5 days a week on your main channel? Sending you lots of hugs!!

  5. October 1, 2016 / 2:27 pm

    Thank you for sharing, Nikki! I truly believe we all feel like this sometimes, and it is so important to be self-aware and make changes where needed. I look forward to reading your blog posts every week! 🙂

  6. LaDonna
    October 1, 2016 / 2:36 pm

    Thank you for sharing this!! I feel I’m in a similar situation in I am going through a shift of truly understanding myself and also developing a stronger faith than ever before. =) cheers to the future and the positive things to come

  7. October 1, 2016 / 3:14 pm

    Really cool. Growth in any way can be super tough, and it’s awesome to hear about how you’ve worked through making the changes you’ve needed. Thanks for sharing!

  8. October 1, 2016 / 3:30 pm

    I have been literally been going through the same thing! you put most of my thoughts into this post… I’ve recently over the summer went through a really horrible situation with my boyfriend after celebrating our 9 year anniversary and for a while I tried telling myself I’m over reacting and that everything is okay. Once I started being honest with myself and him about how I felt, & had that uncomfortable conversation, I felt so much better and we were able to work on things to become happy again. I also had a very toxic relationship with my best friend. She would always give me anxiety because she made me feel like she was judging me with everything that I did. I felt like she didn’t actually like me for me and always wanted me to change to be more like her. I also had that uncomfortable conversation with her and we are no longer friends. As far as everything else goes I also was unhappy with school, not working, and my lifestyle but I’m in the process of changing all of that too… All I wanted to say was I can relate and then I ended up rambling sorry lol I look forward to reading more of your posts! 🙂

  9. October 1, 2016 / 5:52 pm

    Living for other people’s yes is not fun. It may be for a few moments, but in the long run, not so much. Glad you realized it, and hope that all of your changes will help you enjoy your life again. 😀

  10. Julie
    October 1, 2016 / 8:11 pm

    I do know exxxxactly what you mean… I too have almost the same feelings but you are right, it’s all about not suppressing the feelings and make changes where they need to be made… And my biggest advice to you and me is so not let bitterness invade your heart!! I have always worn rose colored glasses and a bad previous marriage made me bitter and I lost my sunny happy positive outlook…. And I’m working every day to let go of the bitterness and get back to my sweet happy self… After all that’s what God wants me to be <3 … He wants that for all of us!!! Hope you find peace in your heart Nikki!!!

  11. Anna
    October 1, 2016 / 8:12 pm

    Thanks for sharing your heart, girl! I’ve been praying for you lately! ❤️

  12. Anna
    October 1, 2016 / 8:14 pm

    Thanks for sharing your heart, girl! Praying for you! ❤️❤️❤️

  13. Nika
    October 4, 2016 / 4:55 pm

    Amazing post Nikki! I am a huge fan of yours and I’ve found myself going through a similar shift these days. I would love to see more blog posts or even videos on this topic!

  14. Lisa Broadley
    October 8, 2016 / 5:26 pm

    I haven’t felt this particular way but I get stressed over other things so thanks for sharing this. I’m glad you’re making changes to your life for you!

  15. eMilie 🇫🇷
    October 13, 2016 / 2:08 am

    Thanks for sharing. It is reassuring to have testimonies like yours to know you are ont the only one. Espacially when it comes from the 1st youtuber you have ever suscribed to… love you too Nikki!

  16. October 26, 2016 / 2:19 pm

    Life is a journey of ups and downs. It has to be that way. I am by nature a very optimistic person but I totally understand that feeling that you are just floating down a river and letting the current take you where it may. Being a self-employed inventor, I’ve come to the realization that you need to add a rudder to that boat you’re on and at least attempt to steer it in that direction you’d like to travel. You will still get swept down rapids and waterfalls but with honest effort, that little rudder of yours can give you the confidence to get back on track. I was contacting you about a new product but instead was swept up by your personal post that really hit home. It’s easier to be easy going, sit back and let life take you where you have less control. I’ve learned I need to always try and push myself past my comfort zone.(I tend to be a very comfortable person!) Take charge and steer that boat in the right direction. Keep your faith, always love and never lose hope!
    IG: scottcom

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